Today...

Here is what I know: today I am not happy. 

Today I hate the way I look. In fact, I hate the way I look today more than I wish I had a boyfriend. 

Today I can't look in the mirror for more than 2 minutes without being disgusted at what I see. 

Today I feel as insecure as I did in middle school and I don't know why. 

Today I want to stay inside this apartment and not have to face anyone. Yet, I don't want to be alone. 

Today I feel all alone and ugly and angry and sad. That's a lot of emotions to have all at once. 

But yet, today I am doing my hardest to not let any of it show. So if you were to ask me how I am feeling today, I would lie and say I was doing great. Because that is what people want to hear. Not the real stuff. People can't handle the truth. 

I'm not sure why I wrote this post. I think I just wanted to get it out there. So there it is. I don't have cool lyrics to put down that describe how I'm feeling today. All you need to know is above. 

Okay, I'm done. 

-C

There's something missing...

I'm a pretty outgoing person. I love to laugh and talk and meet new people. Well, usually. Here recently, I've turned into somewhat of recluse. I hang out with like three people and that's it. I complain about wanting to meet new people but yet I do absolutely nothing to make it happen. I don't want to be alone but yet I do.

I'm stuck in a rut I guess you could say. And to be quite honest, I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know if I just need to try and step out of my comfort zone or if I need to first evaluate myself and my life. I don't know.

I hate being alone most of the time, especially at night. I got new roommates too but they are pretty similar to the ones I had before. They kinda just stay in their rooms and don't really come out. So basically, I'm alone all the time. I used to be so much more independent and self sufficient but now? Now I feel like I rely on other people to make me feel complete. I don't want to be that way.

I also find myself wanting to talk to people yet when they text or call I just ignore them for hours. And then when I actually want to talk to people and initiate, I am the one being ignored. It's like this awful cycle that I'm stuck in.

Sometimes when I'm hanging out with a group of friends or even just one or two people, I still feel alone and insignificant. And I don't know why. I know it's not true but why do I feel that way? Sometimes I feel like a burden to other people and like I'm annoying them. Sometimes I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. I can feel myself just building more and more walls. And just not talking about what's really bothering me. I know this isn't good for me but it seems like I can't really stop it.

I have so many things running through my mind 24/7 and I feel like I am just being weighed down because I'm not talking about what's going on or how I'm feeling. To be honest, I can't even bring myself to put it on paper in my journal or in this post. So instead of getting it out, it's festering in my mind. I could scream.

I guess it'll stay this way though, until I figure out what needs to happen. Just me and my thoughts for now though. What a terrible feeling: knowing I have best friends that genuinely care yet feeling alone. What a twisted mind I reside in...

Do my crying underwater,

I can't get down any farther.

All my drowning friends can see,

Now there is no running from it.

It's become the crux of me,

I wish that I could rise above it.

But I stay down,

With my demons.

I stay down,

With my demons.

(The National, Demons)

-C.

Open your eyes...

Such a simple three word statement. But man does it pack a lot of power. I ran across some student art in the Student Union this past week and all of it was so inspirational and really got me thinking about things. But this one in particular really affected me.

OPEN YOUR EYES. 

Simple right? Not so much. I think we all walk around thinking we are completely aware of what is going on around us. But we are foolish and naive to think that because we are beyond oblivious. I mean sure we could probably answer questions about pop culture and maybe some political and world issues but that's as deep as we go. We ignore the world itself. We ignore the arts. We ignore the things we really want. Why? Because society and our parents tell us that it's not okay to have our own thoughts or dreams or opinions. No. We have to fit this perfect little mold in order to be successful. We have to pick the right major that has the most job security regardless of if we love it or not. We have to finish in four and get a well paying job and raise a family and live this perfect little 'American dream' life that is so outdated we don't even bother to break out of it.

OPEN YOUR EYES.

People listen to music but don't understand it. People watch dances or look at pieces of art but are confused and don't like it. Why? Because society thinks the arts and the people who create things are misguided and that it's just a hobby. They don't understand that the arts give us life, they keep the world spinning. Imagine what life would be like without music. It would be quiet. Rhythm would be lost and time would drag on. Imagine the world without art. It would be boring and colorless. There would be no excitement. Imagine if dance was no more. A form of expression would disappear and with it the very soul of what it means to have a body and to move. The arts are dying and the number of people who love them are growing fewer and fewer. This is one of the worst things that my eyes have been opened to in a long time.

OPEN YOUR EYES.

Are you getting this? Do you understand? Do you remember reading about the 60s and the 70s when our parents were our age and they made history? Woodstock and things like that. Do you know how they did that? THEY STOPPED CARING ABOUT WHAT SOCIETY SAID THEY SHOULD DO WITH THEIR LIVES. No really, that's what they did. They said screw the system, let's make beautiful things and so they did. That's where the great oldies music came from. That's where the birth of the awesome music festivals we all know and love today stem from. You want to do what you love? Then do it.

OPEN YOUR EYES.

Stop caring. Within reason of course. But really. Stop caring what your parents want from you, they won't always be there. Don't get stuck doing something you hate just because you don't want to step on any toes. Stop caring if society thinks your career choice is stupid. Stop caring if people hope this is just a phase or a hobby. If you have dreams, reach for them and achieve them. Don't stop because someone tells you it's dumb. You want something, you freaking get it. No excuses, no regrets. We need to be the next generation of hippies. We need to make sure that the generation behind us doesn't feel like they have to do something they hate. We need to break the mold. The best way to start?

OPEN YOUR EYES... and take in the world around you. Find inspiration in everything and find something beautiful in every day. Go above and beyond. Respect people and what they love. Preach and practice love not hate. Be honest in everything you do and say. Be a leader but learn to follow first. Rejoice in even the littlest of victories and learn from any and all mistakes. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone, it's where the magic happens. But above all this. Stay true to who you are and what you love and no one will be able to stop you, not even yourself.

-C

And the rain keeps coming trying to wash away the sun...

Wow. It's been one hell of a week. I mean I don't even know if I can put into words the kind of roller-coaster this week has been. I haven't experienced so many emotions, everyday for a whole week in I don't know how long. I mean everyday I cycled through every almost every emotion at least twice. I've tried to sit down and write about my week every single day but I just haven't been able to nail down the words. So this post might be a little janky and all over the place. But anyway, if I had to pick 3 emotions or words to describe how I have felt the majority of the week I would choose the following: discouraged, alone, and eye-opening. Looks like one of those words kinda doesn't belong doesn't it. Well it's because my week was filled with feeling alone and discouraged that it became eye-opening.

I realized that I need to be more confident in my passion. I love what I do. I love to dance. But I am always comparing myself to other dancers and doubting my abilities. I find myself thinking that I can't do the things I know I can do. I know that I am out of shape and have lost some skills and muscle mass since its been so long since I've danced as much as I am now, but I am still good at what I do. I just need to remember that all the time.

I also realized that I've been trying to please my parents and people in general, for too long. I have this tendency to make other people happy before I ever even consider trying to make myself happy. I want to do things for me and to what makes me happy but for some reason I have a hard time putting myself and what I want first. So from now on, that's exactly what I am going to do. Me first. The pleasing my parents thing is another post for another time.

I spend about 90% of my time alone. That's not an exaggeration. A typical day in the life of me is I get up, go to class, come home, and stay inside until time to do it again the next day. It's rare that I hang out with people outside of those that I normally hang out with. Those people that I normally hang out with are my roommates and they are always gone. And even when I do hang out with friends we don't go anywhere. Which is fine with me. I'm down with Netflix and beer and food on the couch. That's like heaven to me. Okay, back to the being alone for hours on end every day. Its hard. Like really hard. When I'm alone for hours like I usually am, I tend to think about things that I shouldn't think about or stalk my ex on Facebook though I have no desire to speak to him or anything like that. I think about how lonely I get sometimes and all the things I'd rather be doing than going to school, like dancing and traveling the world and going to amazing concerts and meeting cool and interesting people.

Being alone also tends to make me think about how alone I really do feel a lot of time. Like past the surface feelings and more into what I feel is true meaning of alone. I find myself questioning my relationships with my friends. I ask myself things like "are they really my friends?", "do I bother people when I talk to them?", "do these people care at all?", "who would show up to my funeral and actually be upset?" and so on. I just wish I had someone who would come over and hang out and talk about random shit with me, but also someone who would ask me about my day and how I am and actually want a real answer. Not that fake crap we tend to do with other people. I want someone that I can have genuine conversation about life and love and all that stuff with. Its times like that when I really miss Kenz. She was my rock up here. She kept me grounded and sane. Without her, I can feel myself slipping into a darkness with no one to talk to about it. I mean I guess I have people I could talk to about it but I just feel like such a nuisance and I don't ever want to bother people. I just want someone to care and at this point I don't really have a preference of whether its a boy or girl or boyfriend or whatever. I just want someone to talk to and someone to be around so I'm not always so alone.

(Also fun fact about being alone: apparently this weekend, almost every friend I have up here is leaving Boone and/or has plans every day and can't hang. Rawr.)

So yeah this week has been eye-opening and no it hasn't all been that bad. But the bad tends to stick out. I just need to start relying on myself only and doing things for me. Like if I want to see a movie, I should just go see one. I am an independent woman and I can do things alone.

However, if you were to ask me how I was feeling right now, I'd tell you that I want to quit school, buy a van and travel the country dancing, teaching, and going to every single music festival and concert I can. I really think I'm a free spirit at heart. Its about time to let that out.

So this was a pretty sporadic post and I'm not even sure if I got out everything I wanted to get out. But whatever. Cheers until next time.

"From the air to the people, a mass to take you on. From the clock to the past a future that I own. And to find just one other, seems to be the goal of everyone." 

-London Grammar (If You Wait)

-C

My lungs are beat I cannot breathe...

Insecurities. They haunt us all. Some of us more than others. I know that at least for me, I hide mine pretty well. I walk around, for the most part, pretty sure of myself. I guess you could say that I'm pretty confident in most things. But there are some things, that if someone says the wrong thing or push the wrong button, it totally destroys me. Most of my insecurities are just your average, run of the mill things that bother most people. But I do have some that are a little more unusual and unique to me.

One of my biggest insecurities would have to be my ADHD. Even though I've been dealing with since I was four, it is still something that bothers me everyday. I take a time release medication that last 12 hours each day. So when that medication wears off every night, I get nervous about how annoying I might be or how loud I might be. I get really self-conscious when I'm around new people or someone that I'm interested in. I know it sounds like something really dumb to be insecure about but its hard when people define you by something you can't control.

Another big insecurity for me is body image. Most people don't understand why I'm insecure about that but it's really something I struggle with everyday. I compare myself to other girls everyday.  I don't think I'm fat by any means but I struggle with my body shape. The way I fit into and look in different types of clothes. I was the awkward girl for the longest time. I was such a tomboy and like didn't even know what makeup was or honestly what a real bra was. I wore sports bras most of my preteen life into early high school. So whenever I look in the mirror, I still (usually) see the awkward girl from middle school that had no friends and a middle part. I have to remind myself everyday that I am beautiful in my own imperfect way. Also the fact that recently I've been having issues with not fitting into my means is really messing with my body image. But anyway.

Another huge thing for is the fact that I always think I'm bothering people. Even people that I've known for years. I just have this thing where I feel like I'm being overbearing and annoying. I wish people would just be honest and be like 'hey you're kinda on my nerves right now and I just need you to leave be alone for a bit so I don't get mean.' Like I would respect that so much more than being ignored or just being able to tell that you don't want to talk to me at all. I never want to be a burden or a nuisance to people. I worry all the time that I am being both to almost every person I know. This is part of the reason why I keep a lot of things to myself because I just don't want to bother people with my problems, because, well they are exactly that: my problems. This is something I'm trying to work on and is a big part of my trust issues.

The biggest insecurity of all that I struggle with is pretty much everything I talked about in my last post. I carry that burden around with me everyday. I can't get rid of it. And the worst part is that I can't just talk about it to people whenever I'm having a really dark day. Nobody wants to talk about that. I don't want to seem like the crazy girl who's all like depressed and shit cause that's not me. I mean yes I'm weird but we all have a past. I guess its just that people don't ever want the truth when they ask how you're doing. Sometimes I just want someone to ask me that question and genuinely want an honest answer. I feel like I need someone who I can talk to about my dark days.

Well, I could go on and on about my insecurities. But instead I'll leave you with some food for thought: when people think about you after your life is through, do you want to be remembered for what you did or what you overcame?

"Cause total life forever will never be enough, no." -Foals (Total Life Forever)

-C

And I've been to the darkest place you know

Today sucked. Like completely and utterly sucked. So many things went to shit and so many things were just terrible from the get go. I have felt so discouraged and lonely all day. Of course a lot of the loneliness comes from being alone in this stupid, tiny ass apartment all day. I feel like I'm in a cage a lot of the time. Like some kind of animal that is being forced to stay against their will.

I thought about a lot today in my time spent alone. I thought mostly about, well being alone. I find myself alone more often than not. So today I was wondering why? Is it because I have no friends? Is it because no one wants to hang out with me? Is it because I'm antisocial? The list goes on and on.

I never found the answer. I don't know why I'm alone so much. I try and reach out to people but more often than not I'm turned away. Sometimes nicely, other times not so nicely. I've started to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will like me and not everyone will want to get to know me.

This scares me though because what happens when all my current friends and even my roommates graduate in May? I mean I may feel alone now but I will most likely truly be alone when they leave.

I'm a pretty independent person and I rather enjoy spending time alone. However sometimes the company of something (preferably a human being) other than food would be nice.

I think I come off as overbearing and annoying a lot of the time but that's not how I am all the time. I'm pretty laid back and chill most of the time. But not many people care to truly get to know me. I have this mantra I have to repeat to myself over and over every day just to make it. I tell myself every day that: I am smart, kind, beautiful, and blessed. If someone can't see that then they need to get their eyes checked." Its a long mantra but hey it works. Well, sometimes. It didn't work today.

Today I had to put on that stupid 'everything is just peachy' smile and act like I wasn't completely miserable. I try so hard to be kind and generous to all people, even those who don't deserve it. I just can't help but wonder when the good karma will come back around.

"Cause the future is not what you see. Its not where you've been to at all." -Foals (Black Gold)

-C

Here comes the doubt to shut the sunlight out...

I had a lot of thoughts today. Some darker than others. Mostly I thought about middle school. This doesn't happen often. I try my hardest to never think about middle school. It was a really rough time for me. I didn't really have anyone that I would actually classify as a friend. I spent a lot of time alone and was teased almost every single day. I was the weird girl. I was the girl who said the weird things that no one understood. I was awkward and ugly. I can count on both hands the number of days I went to school and didn't get teased. And because of that, I spent a lot of my nights in tears, locked in my room.

By seventh grade, I was a complete loner and was really beginning to hate everyone and hate myself. I tried cutting once but it didn't do much for me. So for awhile, I searched for another way to inflict pain upon my self. I would sometimes carve letters and other things into my legs and sometimes my arms. Never deep enough to leave scars though. I never wanted anyone to know. It was my secret. My personal hell.

Eventually I discovered eraser burn. Sounds weird I know. But it worked for me. I would literally take a big eraser and rub it across my skin quickly until it started to burn and create a rawness. I did this for a while on my lower stomach. When I started playing volleyball though, I quit doing it. I definitely struggled with not doing it. I had no form of release anymore. When I no longer had this release, the thoughts became darker for me.

I thought about death. A lot. Suicide crossed my mind. A lot. I thought of ways I could do it. Where I could do it. Even when I could do it. It was starting to consume my thoughts. I could not escape the haunting feeling that it was the only way. The only way to solve my problems.

When I went to high school things got better and slowly the thoughts subsided. I became more "normal" and "socially acceptable". I can honestly say that I never had a suicidal thought again.

However today, I thought about what it would be like if I had acted upon my thoughts. What does death feel like? I mean I believe in heaven and God so that part doesn't scare me. But I thought about who would've been affected if I done what I thought about doing? Who would've cared? Like honestly cared. Not that fake shit some people do. I mean I know my family would have been sad. But would anyone else have?

I even thought about how maybe I should have just done it. Maybe that was truly my destiny. Most days it feels like I'm just skating through life without really participating. I feel as if I don't belong. I'm back to being the weird girl. The one that people just don't understand and have no desire to even try to get to know me. I look around at all these people whose lives are seemingly perfect. They are attractive, talented, loved, smart, and all these things that I want to be. All the while, I just feel like I'm out of place. Like an alien from outerspace. I have a desire to be known and to be loved and I feel as though it just won't ever happen for me. I'm tired of being alone.

I'm retreating back into that dark place where I don't want to be again. I left that place a long time ago and I thought I had locked the door. But it's pulling me back in and I don't know how to stop it. I'm hoping the feeling passes and I can find my happiness again. But until then, I'm in a weird place between this act I put on for the people around me and how I really feel.

I think if most of the people I know ever heard these thoughts, they'd probably be beyond freaked out and take me straight to a psychiatrist. That's not necessary though. I do not want to kill myself or die. Just so we are clear. I just have these thoughts in my head. Here's to hoping this season of my life passes quickly.

"Here comes the doubt to shut the sunlight out."

-Bombay Bicycle Club (Overdone)

-C.

And as the seasons change...

I really feel like people think that I'm totally in control of my life and that I have it all together all the time. However that is definitely not the case. I've always been really good at hiding the majority of my emotions and putting a smile on my face and going on with life as if nothing is wrong. It gets old and hard really quickly though. There are days where I just want to break down and give up but I know that's not an option. I've created this act and I have to keep it up. I don't really have the option of letting my feelings show.

People also think I'm an open book, which is mostly true. I'm a pretty outgoing person but only with a select few do I actually let my guard down. I have layers and layers of huge walls that not many people can break through. I mean sure, I'll answer just about any question you ask me honestly, but beyond that, it's rare that I completely bear my soul to people. I can count on two hands the number of people who have seen behind some of my walls. No one has seen through all of them though. That's a step I'm not willing to take.

You see, I have trust issues. Always. It really only takes one big break in trust to completely screw with it. It took one big betrayal to completely change my outlook on people, relationships, and trust as a whole. I still struggle with understanding that it's okay to trust some people. I sometimes find myself wondering if I can even trust people that have been in my life for many years.

Every single day, more than a million thoughts run through my mind. Most of them are meaningless and some don't even make sense. But the remaining thoughts...those are the ones that haunt me. The thoughts that I deal with every single day. I can't escape them. They are like leeches that I can't shake. Feeding off of my fears and insecurities. These are the thoughts I rarely share with people, and if I do, its usually in a joking way so I don't actually have to deal with the problem.

But I want this blog to be my sanctuary. A place where I can freely (most of the time) write out what's going on in my messed head. A place where I'm not afraid to be more vulnerable. However, today is not that day because I'm in a great mood. I got my first tattoo today and I'm getting to see my best friend tomorrow. But next time I'll share more.

Carly