Here comes the doubt to shut the sunlight out...

I had a lot of thoughts today. Some darker than others. Mostly I thought about middle school. This doesn't happen often. I try my hardest to never think about middle school. It was a really rough time for me. I didn't really have anyone that I would actually classify as a friend. I spent a lot of time alone and was teased almost every single day. I was the weird girl. I was the girl who said the weird things that no one understood. I was awkward and ugly. I can count on both hands the number of days I went to school and didn't get teased. And because of that, I spent a lot of my nights in tears, locked in my room.

By seventh grade, I was a complete loner and was really beginning to hate everyone and hate myself. I tried cutting once but it didn't do much for me. So for awhile, I searched for another way to inflict pain upon my self. I would sometimes carve letters and other things into my legs and sometimes my arms. Never deep enough to leave scars though. I never wanted anyone to know. It was my secret. My personal hell.

Eventually I discovered eraser burn. Sounds weird I know. But it worked for me. I would literally take a big eraser and rub it across my skin quickly until it started to burn and create a rawness. I did this for a while on my lower stomach. When I started playing volleyball though, I quit doing it. I definitely struggled with not doing it. I had no form of release anymore. When I no longer had this release, the thoughts became darker for me.

I thought about death. A lot. Suicide crossed my mind. A lot. I thought of ways I could do it. Where I could do it. Even when I could do it. It was starting to consume my thoughts. I could not escape the haunting feeling that it was the only way. The only way to solve my problems.

When I went to high school things got better and slowly the thoughts subsided. I became more "normal" and "socially acceptable". I can honestly say that I never had a suicidal thought again.

However today, I thought about what it would be like if I had acted upon my thoughts. What does death feel like? I mean I believe in heaven and God so that part doesn't scare me. But I thought about who would've been affected if I done what I thought about doing? Who would've cared? Like honestly cared. Not that fake shit some people do. I mean I know my family would have been sad. But would anyone else have?

I even thought about how maybe I should have just done it. Maybe that was truly my destiny. Most days it feels like I'm just skating through life without really participating. I feel as if I don't belong. I'm back to being the weird girl. The one that people just don't understand and have no desire to even try to get to know me. I look around at all these people whose lives are seemingly perfect. They are attractive, talented, loved, smart, and all these things that I want to be. All the while, I just feel like I'm out of place. Like an alien from outerspace. I have a desire to be known and to be loved and I feel as though it just won't ever happen for me. I'm tired of being alone.

I'm retreating back into that dark place where I don't want to be again. I left that place a long time ago and I thought I had locked the door. But it's pulling me back in and I don't know how to stop it. I'm hoping the feeling passes and I can find my happiness again. But until then, I'm in a weird place between this act I put on for the people around me and how I really feel.

I think if most of the people I know ever heard these thoughts, they'd probably be beyond freaked out and take me straight to a psychiatrist. That's not necessary though. I do not want to kill myself or die. Just so we are clear. I just have these thoughts in my head. Here's to hoping this season of my life passes quickly.

"Here comes the doubt to shut the sunlight out."

-Bombay Bicycle Club (Overdone)

-C.