And I've been to the darkest place you know

Today sucked. Like completely and utterly sucked. So many things went to shit and so many things were just terrible from the get go. I have felt so discouraged and lonely all day. Of course a lot of the loneliness comes from being alone in this stupid, tiny ass apartment all day. I feel like I'm in a cage a lot of the time. Like some kind of animal that is being forced to stay against their will.

I thought about a lot today in my time spent alone. I thought mostly about, well being alone. I find myself alone more often than not. So today I was wondering why? Is it because I have no friends? Is it because no one wants to hang out with me? Is it because I'm antisocial? The list goes on and on.

I never found the answer. I don't know why I'm alone so much. I try and reach out to people but more often than not I'm turned away. Sometimes nicely, other times not so nicely. I've started to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will like me and not everyone will want to get to know me.

This scares me though because what happens when all my current friends and even my roommates graduate in May? I mean I may feel alone now but I will most likely truly be alone when they leave.

I'm a pretty independent person and I rather enjoy spending time alone. However sometimes the company of something (preferably a human being) other than food would be nice.

I think I come off as overbearing and annoying a lot of the time but that's not how I am all the time. I'm pretty laid back and chill most of the time. But not many people care to truly get to know me. I have this mantra I have to repeat to myself over and over every day just to make it. I tell myself every day that: I am smart, kind, beautiful, and blessed. If someone can't see that then they need to get their eyes checked." Its a long mantra but hey it works. Well, sometimes. It didn't work today.

Today I had to put on that stupid 'everything is just peachy' smile and act like I wasn't completely miserable. I try so hard to be kind and generous to all people, even those who don't deserve it. I just can't help but wonder when the good karma will come back around.

"Cause the future is not what you see. Its not where you've been to at all." -Foals (Black Gold)

-C