Insecurities. They haunt us all. Some of us more than others. I know that at least for me, I hide mine pretty well. I walk around, for the most part, pretty sure of myself. I guess you could say that I'm pretty confident in most things. But there are some things, that if someone says the wrong thing or push the wrong button, it totally destroys me. Most of my insecurities are just your average, run of the mill things that bother most people. But I do have some that are a little more unusual and unique to me.
One of my biggest insecurities would have to be my ADHD. Even though I've been dealing with since I was four, it is still something that bothers me everyday. I take a time release medication that last 12 hours each day. So when that medication wears off every night, I get nervous about how annoying I might be or how loud I might be. I get really self-conscious when I'm around new people or someone that I'm interested in. I know it sounds like something really dumb to be insecure about but its hard when people define you by something you can't control.
Another big insecurity for me is body image. Most people don't understand why I'm insecure about that but it's really something I struggle with everyday. I compare myself to other girls everyday. I don't think I'm fat by any means but I struggle with my body shape. The way I fit into and look in different types of clothes. I was the awkward girl for the longest time. I was such a tomboy and like didn't even know what makeup was or honestly what a real bra was. I wore sports bras most of my preteen life into early high school. So whenever I look in the mirror, I still (usually) see the awkward girl from middle school that had no friends and a middle part. I have to remind myself everyday that I am beautiful in my own imperfect way. Also the fact that recently I've been having issues with not fitting into my means is really messing with my body image. But anyway.
Another huge thing for is the fact that I always think I'm bothering people. Even people that I've known for years. I just have this thing where I feel like I'm being overbearing and annoying. I wish people would just be honest and be like 'hey you're kinda on my nerves right now and I just need you to leave be alone for a bit so I don't get mean.' Like I would respect that so much more than being ignored or just being able to tell that you don't want to talk to me at all. I never want to be a burden or a nuisance to people. I worry all the time that I am being both to almost every person I know. This is part of the reason why I keep a lot of things to myself because I just don't want to bother people with my problems, because, well they are exactly that: my problems. This is something I'm trying to work on and is a big part of my trust issues.
The biggest insecurity of all that I struggle with is pretty much everything I talked about in my last post. I carry that burden around with me everyday. I can't get rid of it. And the worst part is that I can't just talk about it to people whenever I'm having a really dark day. Nobody wants to talk about that. I don't want to seem like the crazy girl who's all like depressed and shit cause that's not me. I mean yes I'm weird but we all have a past. I guess its just that people don't ever want the truth when they ask how you're doing. Sometimes I just want someone to ask me that question and genuinely want an honest answer. I feel like I need someone who I can talk to about my dark days.
Well, I could go on and on about my insecurities. But instead I'll leave you with some food for thought: when people think about you after your life is through, do you want to be remembered for what you did or what you overcame?
"Cause total life forever will never be enough, no." -Foals (Total Life Forever)
-C
No comments:
Post a Comment