And as the seasons change...

I really feel like people think that I'm totally in control of my life and that I have it all together all the time. However that is definitely not the case. I've always been really good at hiding the majority of my emotions and putting a smile on my face and going on with life as if nothing is wrong. It gets old and hard really quickly though. There are days where I just want to break down and give up but I know that's not an option. I've created this act and I have to keep it up. I don't really have the option of letting my feelings show.

People also think I'm an open book, which is mostly true. I'm a pretty outgoing person but only with a select few do I actually let my guard down. I have layers and layers of huge walls that not many people can break through. I mean sure, I'll answer just about any question you ask me honestly, but beyond that, it's rare that I completely bear my soul to people. I can count on two hands the number of people who have seen behind some of my walls. No one has seen through all of them though. That's a step I'm not willing to take.

You see, I have trust issues. Always. It really only takes one big break in trust to completely screw with it. It took one big betrayal to completely change my outlook on people, relationships, and trust as a whole. I still struggle with understanding that it's okay to trust some people. I sometimes find myself wondering if I can even trust people that have been in my life for many years.

Every single day, more than a million thoughts run through my mind. Most of them are meaningless and some don't even make sense. But the remaining thoughts...those are the ones that haunt me. The thoughts that I deal with every single day. I can't escape them. They are like leeches that I can't shake. Feeding off of my fears and insecurities. These are the thoughts I rarely share with people, and if I do, its usually in a joking way so I don't actually have to deal with the problem.

But I want this blog to be my sanctuary. A place where I can freely (most of the time) write out what's going on in my messed head. A place where I'm not afraid to be more vulnerable. However, today is not that day because I'm in a great mood. I got my first tattoo today and I'm getting to see my best friend tomorrow. But next time I'll share more.

Carly