There's something missing...

I'm a pretty outgoing person. I love to laugh and talk and meet new people. Well, usually. Here recently, I've turned into somewhat of recluse. I hang out with like three people and that's it. I complain about wanting to meet new people but yet I do absolutely nothing to make it happen. I don't want to be alone but yet I do.

I'm stuck in a rut I guess you could say. And to be quite honest, I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know if I just need to try and step out of my comfort zone or if I need to first evaluate myself and my life. I don't know.

I hate being alone most of the time, especially at night. I got new roommates too but they are pretty similar to the ones I had before. They kinda just stay in their rooms and don't really come out. So basically, I'm alone all the time. I used to be so much more independent and self sufficient but now? Now I feel like I rely on other people to make me feel complete. I don't want to be that way.

I also find myself wanting to talk to people yet when they text or call I just ignore them for hours. And then when I actually want to talk to people and initiate, I am the one being ignored. It's like this awful cycle that I'm stuck in.

Sometimes when I'm hanging out with a group of friends or even just one or two people, I still feel alone and insignificant. And I don't know why. I know it's not true but why do I feel that way? Sometimes I feel like a burden to other people and like I'm annoying them. Sometimes I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. I can feel myself just building more and more walls. And just not talking about what's really bothering me. I know this isn't good for me but it seems like I can't really stop it.

I have so many things running through my mind 24/7 and I feel like I am just being weighed down because I'm not talking about what's going on or how I'm feeling. To be honest, I can't even bring myself to put it on paper in my journal or in this post. So instead of getting it out, it's festering in my mind. I could scream.

I guess it'll stay this way though, until I figure out what needs to happen. Just me and my thoughts for now though. What a terrible feeling: knowing I have best friends that genuinely care yet feeling alone. What a twisted mind I reside in...

Do my crying underwater,

I can't get down any farther.

All my drowning friends can see,

Now there is no running from it.

It's become the crux of me,

I wish that I could rise above it.

But I stay down,

With my demons.

I stay down,

With my demons.

(The National, Demons)

-C.